I am a hopeless romantic that has never been in love. Or at least I question the validity of the love I’ve had. This is most likely tied to the fact that I’ve never been in an official relationship but just like every other millennial love story: it’s complicated.
It started in middle school; seeing 13-year-old girls cry over boys was so silly to me. It still is but I guess I’m more understanding of it now than I was then. I never wanted to be that girl crying over a boy in the hallway. As a result of this, when I sense trouble within the first weeks of talking to a guy I quickly retreat. I always thought the less stress the better...until I noticed years passed and I’m still single *insert sweat drop smiling emoji*.
When high school came around I was caught in a daze by boys who wore snapbacks and could hit the perfect cat daddy, dougie, and jerk in that order. During my sophomore year, I started talking to a junior who was one of the captains of the football team. I was hypnotized by his belt buckle that proudly carried the Dominican flag around his waist. I quickly snapped out of this hypnosis when I found out that he had hooked up with two girls months after he had convinced me to be exclusive.
I remember feeling worse for the two girls because they were best friends. I had cared more about their friendship than my own “relationship” because I knew what we had, although what appeared to be genuine, was only temporary. He would always ask me why we couldn’t be Facebook official (do the kids even say this nowadays?) but I could never form a coherent sentence when I looked him in the eyes. A part of me knew what the outcome would be as the majority of the relationships in my high school ended like so. I also enjoyed keeping the details of our relationship an algorithm that only him and I could solve. Nonetheless, it was really because I was afraid of commitment.
I remember going home that night prepared to fill the tub with my tears yet I felt indifferent. I returned to my room and scrolled through his several sappy Facebook posts that stated how he would do anything to get me back. These posts brought a smile to my face because I knew that his pain was a lot larger than mine. Evil? Maybe. But at least I wasn’t the 13-year-old girl crying in the hallway. He was.
Fast forward to college. I am a 17-year-old at Penn State surrounded by more than 42,000 strangers. If you’ve ever gone out at Penn State you immediately know that the odds of finding your soulmate are very slim but my positive attitude forces me to believe that there’s hope. Long story short there wasn’t. But! During my sophomore year I started talking to one of Micah’s close friends at Duke. We immediately hit it off and shared all of the same interests. After a year of considering him to be one of my best friends, we both picked up the vibe that maybe it could be more.
We entertained the idea for a few years until we noticed that we’re a lot different than we thought. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing but just proved that we are better off as friends. I’ll never forget one night when he asked me how I was sure that I loved him. He questioned how I could be sure that what we had was the real deal. In that moment I knew that I never wanted to be in a relationship where we both have to question if what we have is real or not.
I’m afraid of commitment because I haven’t come across a man yet that can guarantee the love that I saw each day growing up. The love my parents have for each other is so effortless. Each morning on my way to school my dad would call my mom and have so much to talk about as if they didn’t just see each other 10 minutes ago. I can’t tell you the number of times their laughter has woken me up on a weekend morning. Even during their most heated arguments, I could always guarantee that their night would still end in laughter.
I don’t hold a single grudge against anyone I’ve ever talked to. The guy from high school ended up being one of the caballeros at my quinceañera a year following everything that happened. I still consider the guy from Duke to be my best friend. And the few people in between hopefully know that I am always a phone call away. I simply refuse to be unhappy in a relationship because I’m afraid of being alone.
If you ever witnessed the love that not only my parents have for each other but my aunts and uncles, my grandparents, and so on, you would understand why I am the way I am.
I have so much love to give yet no one to give it to (yet!). I can’t wait until I come across that chapter in my life but until then I am enjoying each second of this current chapter: single but not lonely.
If love had a sound, it would consist of the songs on this playlist. The Jorja Smith and Big Sean songs were included because I thought they perfectly sum up the blog and was important to include. Enjoy!